rest and unrest

I awoke three times last night

each time thinking/feeling excited
"ah it's Christmas tomorrow"
then I would remember, we already had it
each time I'd wonder for a moment
"Why did I think that?"
each time I'd remember why
Phil is coming tomorrow

I'm so much like a kid in a candy store lately

(to the sound of the Beatles 'Day in a Life') I read the news today oh boy.....
unrest in Pakistan, they're crying in the streets
unrest in Kenya, they kicking down their slums
then I stared looking all over the rest of the world
for good news
I'm sticking with Obama, I know what others say
I think he's our hope, for a Brave New World
so many more months of politics but someone told me yesterday
our votes in Iowa during the caucus count for 20 in the real world
I'll be at the caucus this year...believing I can make a difference
believing I will

7AM and snowing/12:45PM just stopped

Leaving Fairfield we all know has it's up's an down'z
if you live here you get it, if you don't we can't explain it,





it's too heavy or we're floaters
I will miss mornings like this, when I don't have to get to anywhere, and when the snow comes tumbling down in golf ball size flakes, the type you like to catch on your tonge,
all white and fluffy and warm by the wood burning stove.
I will miss Tammy and Tammie,
my neighbors to the west and south.
I will miss wondering if today something bad will happen and I will think to tracing it to taking a short cut into the house......
through that dreaded south door.
I will miss my best friend, and best friends, and maybe even those I like to complain about, not enemies, as I don't believe in them, but the ones I won't stop giving my side of the crazy story about, like a British bull dog, gnarling at that issue.
I will miss my Ladies group of 25 years,
my writing groups, my Options buddies,
I will miss tea/coffee/books at Revelations and tea/scones/coffee at Cafe Paradiso,
both revealing and a little corner of paradise.
What did I do with that carved sign I used to have?
Heaven on Earth we call it when it's good. And it's good all the time, no one says HOE much nowadays, more ho's in idiginess speech.
The snow is coming down hard, I'm thinking of Joni singing it's coming on Christmas...I will miss Everybody's ads, Thymley's sales, I will miss the house being just the way I want it, now.
I will miss knowing exactly where each and every street it (except in Vedic City) and those garage sales that where I've been collecting Stephen Whittles and great art
that someone's getting rid of for some Karmic reason.
I will miss the little metal boy talking to the old metal man and
oh, sadly I didn't know the Civic Center is privately owned, I thought I was missing Donna Steinberg directing, or Andrew Edlin performing Winston, or Rodney Franz directing,
anything he does..
well Randy West has got his style,
I will miss the people I just met...oh please go to Meridith Hirsch, she's great to talk to and even better at cutting hair and the people I've known forever.
I will miss Rock at Luckman's, tall Tim and Sherry at the post office, the girls at Walkers,
oh you know me I can't keep saying the names, I might start crying.
What a small town we are. All that new Internet T1 from a 9 million grant.
I can still get free incoming minutes with no long distance for you and there's always Susan's J's e-mails to make me feel right at home.
Jesse is in Wisconsin, loving every moment, my kids will both be in CA, Andrew in Mendocino, Gregory in Orange Co. and me somewhere
in the middle,
so it's time to leave, and before you know it,
singing......so long it's been good to know ya......
I'll be back, and you'll say, I thought you'd gone, and I will say, I have, but I'm just running through, gotta have my Fairfield fix...once we're tribe, we're tribe, I'm just joining another pack and taking all the good stuff/vibes/knowledge/learning with me and want as many of you to visit me (when I get a place) as we can fit in the door.
Caio, Jai Guru Dev, Adios, Shalom, Blessings to you,
God on your side,
'Is it true?' and
'How would you be if you didn't believe that?'
So, on January 10th it'll be "ta tar for now and I love you all".

only words and not enough

No photo's today
no distractions
not enough words to compute, commute, commune:
what it's been like, how we have fared, what an amazing love ridden, hug filled, love feast these few days have been, old family Christmas, quiet moments, parties everywhere, every moment, it feels like heaven, boys come into the house, "Mom, that was the best Christmas of my life" and I agree, yes, yes it was, it tooks us all by surprise, then Boxing day all day here yesterday, people coming in ones, twos, threes, fours and fives, no more than fives and mingling, networking, everyone getting to talk, to be heard, get what they need in life and overhead that day, "oh you do that? Let's talk later, I've heard all about you but we've never met before, when can we get together again, OMG..Turkey we had a vegetarian Christmas, I LOVE turkey, yum yum, Kale, you made Kale..I love Kale, I bought you the DVD of Skaters from the Civic Center can we watch it? oh aren't the costumes loverly, she's so-and-so's daughter and isn't he wonderful a dancer he's come down from U. of I. to dance, I like this Rooibos tea, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye see you at the party at Morningstar...", the food is gone, we missed you but it was loverly not to be too crowded, too much of everything doesn't work,
me, going to watch a movie at Kartika's, wow Katika's got some great art she's making/writing, combining, what a lovery home and we like each others taste, falling asleep to 'Once' it's now twice I'm watching it, well second time I slept, then Diane's drives me home, there's an over 21 year old Nintendo feast in my living room, i give them everything, I've been waiting for years to host them, do this, i love to give all the food in the house except enough to eat in the morning - well everything else except what they would turn their nose up to -O.K. I hid the cheese, all the cookies, cakes, crackers, all that great left over turkey, chips, dips, potato salad, hummus, I make all the avocados into good guack, they have some eggnog and even a little beer, they're growing up, and while they're busy playing they don't notice it's BLAZING, so while they nearly set us on fire, smoke detectors blaring, doors swishing brooms whoshing, I go to bed after cleaning up all the dishes from the day into the dishwasher, not many, I kept up with it in the few quiet moments in between the whirl and whinnies, while they whoop and holler, "get that one on the side", with their josh sticks blazing, I lay on my bed talking to Phil, laughing, laughing and longing for him to arrive, waking up phone in hand, still dressed, to "thank your mom for everything, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank her for saving our lives from fire!!!",
now my photo voltaic Santa is waving in the window,
lots to do today, must dash, as always, what would I be without dashing...not Debs.....
oh and a sigh of relief, tinged with unexplainable words, it's healthy for me and going to be hard for her, I'm no longer keeping my mother close to me, I will be there for her in an emergency, in my thoughts and prayers,
but no more of this stuff we've been dancing for so, so long,
so long mamma, I love you

Healed family

Now here's a pretty picture. The day was full of laughter and wonderful memories. We looked through family photo albums, watched Gregory's gift to us all of a DVD of old family VHS home movies edited and flowing. It was a day of sharing and healing, gifts and good food and friends coming to dinner, full of gratefulness and appreciation, now thats the spirit of Christmas I was looking for. I hope you are as blessed as we are.......love Debs

Sunday before the cooking unwrapping and

Merry Christmas From Our House to Your House,
with warm fires buring in hearths and Hearts

For the first time in 15 years, or is it 16, I will sit at the same Christmas dinner table as George, Andrew and Gregory. George and I divorced. Maybe we couldn't have avoided it. Maybe it's been leading us and our children to where we are today.

I think we're all happy again, together or separate. Now that's something to be grateful for during the holidaze.

I've been clearing out more cobwebs in my life and basement, even wiping away real ones. I even worked outside this evening in the garage the cold because, well because I'm crazy. I'm entitled to do that. I find things I want that way.

Thank you for all the things found, thank you for the the food, for the roof, for the family and friends, and the working dryer in the basement and the lovely lady who is renting my house.

Please care for those I missed, didn't think of, bypassed on the street that need a kind word or even something more today if you have time, please wrap a blanket of love around my lover, and my sad sorry mother, I am lucky, yes indeedy, lucky. I may not post until Christmas morning, so if you're not checking then and are checking this now, have yourself a Merry Merry Christmas, love, in the spirit of yuletide to you, Debs

Where are you now Dana Moon?

I have always wanted to write a book called that. And this morning it calls out to me to start. "Well begun is half done," a wise man said.

Dana Moon by Debs Blackbird Roberts (unedited) Copyrighted 2007

Chapter One

Dana Moon came into the house at 10 Cottage Street, Cambridge MA. The year was 1972. He said he was looking for a friend. He used the bathroom at the top of the landing, the one outside my studio apartment. My neighbor Floyd used it too, we shared the lion-clawed bathtub room. I had painted it immediately after I moved in. I painted the floor tiles in checkered burgundy and beige and the outside of the bathtub in burgundy. Old Floyd, thought it was all so cool, he with his jive ways and trilby hat, who ate in Jack in the Box in Central Square. Dana knocked on my door, he said he wanted to meet whoever it was that transformed the bathroom. When I saw Dana I trusted him immediately. There was never any question about that. Sometimes you just know.

Dana Moon wasn't like the rest. He knew about the syringe behind my toilet. He said not to worry, the junkies were gone now. He said that there had been a couple who lived downstairs and their friends would come by the house and use my bathroom when they needed a safe place after scoring their fix and they sometimes stashed stuff there. Maybe he was looking for the stash and not a quick piss. He was together.

It's because I had no idea about Dana, about who he was, where he came from and where he went to after he left me, that fascinated me about him. He gave me the lovely gold plated Walton watch once that I wore for some years in my jeans, hooked by the rose gold, roses carved into each link fob, into to my belt loop which I slipped into the little pocket, above the pocket I kept my hands tucked into. Those little pockets that are made just for that size of watch. The watch was like Dana. Smooth and pretty. The watch was lightly etched in a Victorian design on the gold back. Delicate. Dana was hard, hard like gold which has it's softness, but delicate too. Compassionate, that was the light I saw in him. Passionate, yes very passionate. Loving, always loving.

The watch has seen it all. I gave it to my Grandfather when I went back to England a few years later. He treasured that watch until he died. It made him feel rich. I took the watch back again after he died until George and I met. Then I took it to be engraved. It said something like "Happy Birthday, November 16th 1981. To George, with love always, Deborah ". He kept the watch after the divorce. I gave him back his diamond ring he asked for, but I wasn't going to ask for the watch, as much as I wanted to. I gave him the watch.

the charity started before I even thought about it

Let's start the day with my Heaven photo

Last night I went to dinner at a friends, a quick stop before going home, there around a table of loving and laughter I mentioned that my birthday party will be a benefit for SEVA, I am humbled, a lovely gentle man said he may not be able to make the party, but asked "could I make a donation?", he would like to remain anonymous. So, the 1st donation for SEVA is $100...may be money roll in...blessings on here on the 7th (??) day of Christmas...love Debs

it's party time

here's a photo from the ladies evening party at my house, left lower, Nancy Bellmer, up behind, Wendy Vessey, Stacey Hurlin, Barb McGlaughlin, yours truely and Lenora Boyle and a photo of Rick and Marie from their afternoon tea party......

I'm on my way out the door, here's a cut and paste to a quick middle of the night e-mail to Phil, who i hope found his cell phone by now,

Andrew called a lot yesterday talking of his flight, then after I was asleep he called around 12:30 and said something about his flight arrival time being wrong and said 8:30am...I mumbled what airport? and he said Cedar Rapids, horray, the I said see you next Sunday and he said MOM we're arriving tomorrow morning, hence no time when I get up because I've set the alarm for 6am and plan to hit the ground running...I WAS looking forward to a nice lay in until 9am and work by 9:30, now I'll be at work at tad late, y guess at 11am, I'm up for a 4:30am pee and thought I'd reply to this right now, John Chandler, (renter is still here until Thursday), BUT luckily for me the single bed spare bedroom
that I worked so hard to finish yesterday morning is loverly, dry and aired out so Rose and Andrew can have my room,
I love having my baby home sooner than later, I must go back to sleep to get my beauty rest..

so can't stop, love ya Debs

Friday and Satuarday

first photo was at beginning of trip, sunset at Salt Lake City, e next is what it looks like in daylight, I walked into the place, which said 'closed for the season' looking for batteries so I could take these photo's, they we're getting ready for a private punk rock tour coming through, the young guy in the photo voiced something very suggestive to me, older woman sure can have their choices nowadays....

Sidney Nebraska…this may be where my blog started, no sign of the Kirk Russel look alike and his family but ah, motel sweet motel away from home, my man at the desk upgraded me to the best sweetest room in the house. I’m over here at the Goose Pit, David Bollish the bartender is taking as good care of me as he was before when I ate here on my way out to Berkeley, oops no camera flash and he’s gone, so it’s an out of focus photo of him, he’s taking a test tonight, I’m glad I have nothing to do except go back to bed, 12 hours driving last few days, my foot has had a work out.

I sang Beatles songs across i-80 today, I talked to many and nearly, yes nearly, ran outta gas again, but didn’t, there were no car wrecks to rescue folks out of, and tomorrow is straight 9 hour shot to FF via DM 63 and 34 into FF, an easy day.

between the view out of the window - darn America is beautiful isn’t it this last photo is Medicine Bowl- the NPR radio, the fab cassettes Phil set me up with, this trip has gone by as fast as the 75 mph speed limit which stops at the Iowa border, I miss all of Berkeley but look forward to FF and Christmas with the old family, New Years with the new man, my party with 25 years of friends, and the long and winding south route back to Berkeley with Phil. There’s so much to do I can’t promise a blog while I’m in FF there again, how can I resist to take goodbye shots of everything, ah and my ad in the paper is already bringing in some inquires…luck may be on my side, she usually is….god might be on the other, glad to know you are enjoying this, whoever is reading, what did he say…….good night and good luck….

Debs

last night i awoke
startled as to where i was
and then i knew from the light of the moon
from the tree who watches me
that i was home
the home i wrote about last month
i got it just the way i've always wanted it, i said
and now i'm leaving it

when i awoke the back yard shimmered
in ice
a johnny mathis wonderland
this morning it's a white christmas
everything blanketed in snow
john would like the chairs back he said
in truth they are his, i asked him if he will do
some 'honey-do's' for me
he's leaving town Monday
maybe he won't have time

so what does one charge?
the price he paid? the price i'll pay
to replace them?
i know there's a happy medium
sue will be disappointed
but then I did tell her
john will want them
funny how we know these things

funny how i know
the man flying in
has me laughing and living in being
sexing in ways i could never dreamed
or drummed up
i'm gonna be a drumma
living, loving and rockncabby

late to be on the road, was busy doing other things, for now just pixs from last few days

the bay and I'll be on i-80 by 6AM

I’m planning to be a day behind the ice and snow that means I’m not in any hurry driving back to FF. I had wanted to spend the night at Adele Ballmer’s home in Loomis but after careful consideration I've stopped here at Williams CA to go to sleep early in a quiet hotel room. Life has been a whirlwind the last few days so a long bubble bath is in order. And as a friend roughly said…your Fairfield schedule looks quiet like a full dance card…so I'm going to try my best to stay rested

Photos today will include Myla in her new Aztec colored living room, Dave, the kind music sound man at Café Trieste, who is a lover of Ganesha and shares my unbounded enthusiasm of his living room view of the bay with three bridges, 2nd photo is Bay Bridge, 3rd is Golden, 4th is Richmond (it was hard not to post all the ones I took as the sun changed the colors in the bay), I hope to convince Dave to let me stick my hands into the soil in his yard until I can find a garden space for myself. Dave’s yard is a little fairy wonderland. The night before I left, I managed to find a lovely free antique chest of drawers on the street that Phil now has in his room at Dave’s. Berkeley will be a haven of new finds on the street for me. There must be some photo along the way today, something of the Redwood forest or the pink sunset sky.

I don’t want to imagine what the cold feels like but by tomorrow night it’ll clearly be into my bones. Last night and today’s’ visit with Andrew and Rose was great fun, they had dinner ready for me when I arrived. We went into Mendocino today and walked Zimmy, I know there’s a good pic of them and of course I made my mark as usual, now they can use their dishwasher to clean dishes rather than to dry them and the spin L.P. tables are all the same heights, with more room. What will be left to do next time?!

Well I’m glad I stacked the wood pile BEFORE I left town, it’ll hold me for a day or two. I’m looking forward to seeing you as soon as I get back to which ever place you are in. Now with the cold I’m excited to put up all my decorations, find the Christmas music if I didn’t give it all away, who knows when I’ll use all my stuff again. I hope you are warm and well. Love Debs

Time

Time for an upgrade to my computer, time to go back to Fairfield, time to live a whole new another life, this is what I wanted…all of it...this is what each day brings to me here, ………all I’ve ever wanted, in everything…

I cannot go with the words today as they do no justice, no glory, no filled in the heart expression of how I awoke, esp this morning to the view from Dave’s living room, where Phil is now living, this view has me crying, this view is most scared, from this view I would not walk out into the world everyday. I, like Dave, would live work and breath from here, but I can come and visit whenever I want

I am now part of the tribe

call me if you can catch me….love debs

still learning, no time to edit placement of photos now Northern Cali

and I thought California was all the same, I thought it was all like southern cali, being a southern English girl, it didn't occur to me to check out the north, now I'm sold on everything

photos of along the way and Laura, Phils daughter..

we're still playing in moments of ode to joy, Mozart ringing in my head, Phil sleeps - mornings, as I steel myself away to write, drink red teas and recover from each whirlwind of the day before, of course that is too, why he sleeps...

yesterday we went to Big Sur, today's blog will contain some photos and if I figure it out, some avi movie files. We stopped at almost every lookout along the way, there are many, finding every photo opportunity along the coast, sometimes walking in mist, sometimes dry and sometimes light drizzle. when finally making it into Big Sur we spend a very long time (90 minutes?) in a wonderful art gallery chatting to the owner with no other customers finding all the art we loved, along the conversational way of music, film, people, travel and laughter while the owner lets us be ourselves, we made some purchases, stopped in a pub where the biker looking guy gave me hot water for my tea and we talked of London beers, and ate a place around the corner that I had scouted out while the lady next to Phil in the pub told him to go to the same place. I can't remember the name right now, but the menu looked good, only to deceive us by being great food, the chef in the kitchen left us in no doubt that he knew just what he was doing back there. Of course we struck up more conversations and left in time to be back in Santa Cruz area to listen to some music Phil had sniffed out before, a guitar player he used to stop and see whenever he came down here, it turned out last night after Phil was musing about the fact that the guy was in a some famous band, that Phil remembers that Moby Grape hailed from this area and as usual afterwards Phil buys his CD and as he wanders off I check with the man as we talk the way it is/was and he confirms that yes, he and half the players there are from MB and that yes he laughs as I tell him Phil is from Winnepeg that yes he played with Neil Young in some band that he and Phil then talk about while I wander off to more conversations elsewhere. He'll look Phil up when he comes down to San Fransisco soon, life is such fun. I hope the photos capture something of our visit without appearing dull, as the was no dullness to anything here
love ya, Debs

Emergency day mode yesterday

Sadly Myla badly burned herself yesterday. In some way it was the hand of grace saving her from a worse disaster...usually I am here in Cafe Trieste at 9:30AM but it was to be a big day of painting the living room, with Oren fitting a fan into the bath room. Myla missed her teapot due to her strange vision challenges from her disease, pouring hot water and 2nd degree burned her leg and foot. We spent most of the day in emergency and my day continued on until 9:30 pm taking care of all details. I have a few more things to sort out this morning so that I can still go off to big Sur today with Phil. IT'S RAINING here in sunny Berkeley, the first rain I've seen in all my two trips here this year. I'll be leaving the Big B on sunday for Mendo then back to FF, gotta dash, love to all Debs

Monday, quick before I'm bumped

The trouble with wifi, and café’s that don’t supply it, is that if you get bumped mid writing, you loose it all. Yesterday I typed some stuff re: Sunday morning here in Trieste, all lost, but now I’ve learned my lesson, start in ms word and when I’ve got it all transfer it!

Where was I before I was lost?

Two amazingly handsome brothers came into Trieste yesterday, if I was a movie or modeling scout, I’d be richer than everyone I know...what faces. I didn’t get good photos of them because I was stealing their photos, Freeman's in the hat, Patrick, well you can't really see him but I liked him so much I can't leave him off, but after I took the photo's I went over and talked to them, they are the young men who will pick up the pieces, save the world where we have/will leave off, Patrick knows what a space cadet is and we laughed that we both are just that. Freeman’s blue eyes are bluer than the deep blue sea, Patrick’s are hazel, they are 3 years apart like my big boys. They are all friends of Larry and Avram, Larry is a song writer, Avram, well I haven’t asked yet. The photo of Larry sideways is also bad, once I know them better it may be a book, customers of famous Berkeley Trieste. The group photo is from the nursing home.

I made some contacts with women last night at a very fun music club, in a house, little rooms, three opening into one another, I can’t believe this place, so cool, so many music choices that I didn’t even notice that Phil whisked me to this little club instead of the big Cajun/Creole music place we were going to. Speaking of whisking away, we’re going to go away for three days, maybe Internet, maybe not, so call if you want to interupt play, hopefully the Big Sur, and Santa Cruz where his daughter is in her last year…..whoopee kie yah…I’m traveling… I’ve called Jewel and hopefully have booked Morning Star on the night of the 10^th for the big party/pot luck jewelry swap bonanza. I think Myla is letting me move in when I get back, it’ll be a trial basis weekly until she can feel it’s going to be fine.

Well, I’m off and running early today, Oren is working all day putting in an exhaust vent in the bathroom, I’m painting the living room. Love ya Debs